In soft news, I was traded to the Cubs this weekend.
A friend forwarded me this page; It is a satirical article written at my expense about the trade. Apparently, the Cubs have a “Deadspin” type site of their own, except from what I can tell from this article, the writers aren’t nearly as creative or intelligent. In fact, at least one of them may still be in junior high. I have lots of respect for Deadspin although it’s not really of much interest to me. The writing there is generally high-caliber and is always wildly inventive. In addition, I simply don’t believe that sports should, as a rule, be written about with sanctity and political correctness. I welcome any attempts to subvert boring media.
As much as I wanted to just ignore this, It was just irresistible, I mean, the headline even has an improperly used noun.
Surprise Trade Transforms Fernando Perez from Cubs Convention Attendant to Cubs Convention Disappointment
Hey “Ace” an ‘attendant’ is someone that is employed to provide service—you meant that I was an ‘attendee’; someone who attends something, like the Cubs convention for instance. If you’d have done your homework and had seen this, you could have actually went with ‘attendant’— that would have been sort of funny actually. You also spelled ‘heroes’ wrong but that one’s a toughie, I’m sure nobody caught it.
I found it ironic that in the same hours we were digesting another homegrown terrorist attack, you were sloppily writing and poorly contriving a story about little old me! I’m flattered. Your story starts out passably funny, although the storyline about me “attending" the Cubs conference is quite a reach. It’s so arbitrary and unfunny I’d be offended if I took the 120 seconds out of my work day to read it. You must have missed your coffee pal. Then your article quickly devolves into a penis joke about a pedophile Yankee Fan taking advantage of me during a massage?
“But when I was 13, a man in a Yankee hat gave me a massage that lasted just a little too long, so I ended up just rooting for the Cubs.”
Really!?!? Pedophile jokes are so 2002.
Ace, there are so many places you could have went with this. If it was going to be a college joke about me being molested in my adolescence, you might as well have called me a “fag” or something for my well-documented poetic leanings. Let’s see, well, I’m a little funny looking with my short torso, high butt and long arms, sometimes I end up tucking in my jersey numbers in my pants—nobody likes that. I was in a musical too. Thats pretty lame I guess. You certainly should have brought up my career stats. Not so great thus far. There’s also that ridiculous picture I consented to take for a magazine, where I’m holding a polo mallet. Ewwww. I was poorer then, and I thought I’d get to keep the jeans. I was duped! But thats neither here nor there, its on the internet, it’s fair game, and it’s a really nerdy photo. The point is, Ace, I’m such an easy target, how could you blow this!
As a content provider to many Cubs fans counting on you for humor during their arduous workdays; as a traffic generator for your sponsors (especially Air New Zealand; I hiked New Zealand to clear my head after my worst season as a pro this past year); you should be ashamed of yourself. That was a terrible article. Shake yourself “Ace”! BTW, at Deadspin, the site you incompetently emulate, the writers use their real names. But If I wrote that, i’d probably hide behind a sweet moniker like “Ace” too.
Bless you Ace, and bless the internet in its entirety. Looking forward to outfielding this spring, and especially looking forward to meeting you at the Cubs convention this weekend!