give the kids santa
congress is looking to ban tobacco in major league baseball, another act in the ballad of furnishing airbrushed images of the world for children to consume to spare them of reality for as long as possible so that when they come of age they are even more shocked and confused. Next, congress plans to ask players to stop wincing when they get hit by pitches so that the kids won’t think it hurts.
The mess that will come if and when this is implemented will be so hilarious I actually sort of hope it happens. There are so many ballplayers I know that can’t function without it, and half of them are funny people, and there’s nothing funnier than funny people under stress and cruel and unusual punsihment.
The players will inarticulately cry bloody murder, and the opposition, made of uninformed folks like Anna Eshoo, a California Democrat, who wondered aloud during the meeting: “Why don’t they just chew gum if they feel the need to chew something?” — It’s perhaps because gum doesn’t boost your attention span. I loved Bruce Bochy comments. He very honestly mentioned that the tobacco helps him make decisions during games, although he’d like to quit and is cutting back. I’d say more than half of the players are in that boat. They’d like to quit, but have this sneaking suspicion that it helps a little, and have another sneaking suspicion that as players, we are nothing but our performance output. Tobacco is bad. But it kinda works. What a predicament!
(Brittany, future dipper)